Parenting.

being a parent and a mother is one of the greatest gifts one could ever ask for but no one ever told me it would be this hard :(

why do I feel so bad for finally putting myself first? I've been a stay at home mom for the past 5 years. It's wonderful and something I feel truly blessed to have done. Even though the kids and I want to kill each other half the time, we do enjoy being together. I never imagined what it would be for me to go back to work full-time and the agnony I would feel.

I really enjoy my job these days. It's so wonderful to *have* to get dressed up, put makeup on, fix my hair, so that I'm able to spend time with women co-workers and clients. The adult conversations, the time away, the female friendships, I love it all. The thought of doing it full time is wonderful and I didn't think twice about it.

But then, there's the kiddos. Who I love dearly, enjoy picking up from school, and all the giggles we share. I can't imagine spending my day away from them.

But the more I thought about and agnonized, I realized it was time to put myself first and it was hard to come to that. But as the kids get older, they enjoy time with other kids. They enjoy being away from me and dad. So I think finding a nanny is the right choice. I should have 2 days off during the week I can spend with them. And we will just have to vow to make the most of them.

But then comes the fact that I'm homesick as hell. My god, I never though in a MILLION years I would say it, but I have. With Hunter going to school next year, I want to have someone to depend on if something happens. I don't have that here. I don't have someone in the family I can call at the drop off a hat to help me. (I know my girlfriends would help, but they all have kids of their own to worry about :)) And I really need that. I want to move close to my parents and family so I know I do have someone I can depend on. The boys adore going down to La Grange and spending time at my parent's house. I remember the days of riding the bus home and spending time with my Grandpa. I want the same for the boys and they want it to.

Right now.....so much is in the air. It's amazing how one day your life is going calm and the next day a bomb drops, causing so much chaos.

There are so many descisions to be made. Things are going in the right direction but it looks like major change is what we have been needed.

stay tuned for more......