Private.

It's been an interesting leap around here and I've made the descision to take the blog private. If you'd like access, please email me and I will get you an invitation.

This is a time for me to grow. Learn a lot and put the words of my new journey down.

It's time I become true to myself again.

Somewhere in life, we all are told to stop being who we naturally were. Don’t do this and don’t do that. Bad girl. Many more limitations were put on us than were encouragement and explanations. Our curiosity got squelched and sometimes we were punished, severely.

Eventually we stopped wanting to learn and grow as our brains became cluttered with all those messages, pain becoming a frequent consequence for normal expression. Then as we grew older, other negative experiences added to these bad feelings about ourselves. We are so unaware of the sheer volume of negative messages in our subconscious. Only a small percentage makes it into our consciousness. And you wonder why one can feel so emotionally overwhelmed?

This is a deeply emotional, psychological, and physiological transition.

I must take the risks, face the fears, be creative, and ultimately learn how to stay focused on what I want to achieve and even to have fun.

I guess you can say I'm taking a break that distracts my mind. I am waking myself up. I am slowly taking off that which has been weighing me down and keeping me feeling dark. I am opening myself up.

All that I think is important is respect and clear boundaries along the way.

Ultimately we all must follow our own Truth.

Pretending it doesn't exist doesn't make it any less real.

For so many, it's easy to tell me to do this and that when you're not the one living my life. It's so easy for them to judge me. It's so easy for them to make false assumptions. Choosing to believe in something otherwise doesn't change the reality of the situation. But most don't even ask me or know what the reality of the situation is. And because at the end of the day, regardless of what they say or do, they keep forgetting that they don't want to understand how I live my life. They stopped trying to put themselves in my shoes because all they can see is how their own life has worked for them. They're looking at the same elephant through different eyes. I could never be happy if I subscribed to their ideals of walking away when the going gets rough. And most of them have chosen to walk away.

So you know what?

It doesn't matter at all.

You know they're not responsible for my happiness.

But I am.

Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway

We change our circumstances and how we are treated by others when we change what WE say and do and how we see ourselves.

We change these things when we ask ourselves new questions and take new actions.

As they say: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get a different result.

Even when what we do does not work out the way we hoped or thought it would, something changes when we push ourselves outside our comfort zones and try new things.

IF we choose to see what happens as information, we grow, we learn, we recognize new possibilities.

If one set of actions did not work, perhaps another will.

IF we make the choice to keep trying.

We alter relationships in our lives when we begin to ask about others, especially those who are thorns in our sides: What are THEIR hopes and dreams and fears?

The thing is that it’s in our hands, how we live our lives.

The possibilities are there but we need to find a way to see them.

Over the past few months I have made a great many changes in my life.

NOW I see possibilities I could not grasp even a year ago and far more I could not see 5 years ago.

Only by taking action and being willing to face my fears and honestly look at the outcome, accepting my own responsibility for my life, could I LEARN to see these new possibilities.

I had to be willing to challenge old assumptions I hadn’t known I was allowing to control my actions and reactions.

Why is a sense of purpose so important? Because it gives us something to focus on beyond our own fears and self-doubts and past hurts.

It’s important because we feel better when we are closer to being the kind of person we believe we ought to be.

It’s important because while we may not be able to find the courage to do the things we fear if it’s just for ourselves, odds are much better we will when we know we are doing so to achieve something we believe matters.

And make no mistake—there is no way past fear except to walk through it and do the very things we think we cannot do.

What we gain is priceless. And we cannot fail.

Either we succeed or we gain new knowledge and insight and information—even if it’s that we may want to try something a little different next time.

Inherent in every situation is a gift—the gift of new possibilities, new ways of looking at things—if I choose to accept it.

We have choices.

We can stay exactly as we are and we will have exactly what we have now—until the universe comes along and yanks the rug out from under our feet!

Or we can choose to go forward, embracing change and new possibilities.

I believe that we can use everything that happens to help us move toward a life that is rich and fulfilling and filled with a sense of purpose.

It’s our choice.

And once we choose, it’s up to us to take the steps to achieve that life we want to have.

Reflections on 2008 - - What 2009 brings....

In pursuing the life you want, you don't want to miss out on the life you have.

Embrace who you are, appreciate where you are and what you have, now, in this moment. There is no time like the present to enjoy what you have.

Sometimes life passes by so quickly that we forget to pay attention to what is going on. The kids grow up before our eyes, we get older and then we wonder where the time went. We live in a fast-paced society where work takes a large chunk of our day. Learn to live in the moment today.

Living in the moment is all about living like there's no tomorrow. It takes practice but in the end, you'll lead a fuller life. To do this you must realize beauty in every moment, and in everyday activities. This is your life, now live!

Be Thankful for what is. When you find yourself wishing for something you don't have, or wishing your life would be different, start your quest for your wish by being thankful for what is already in your life. This will bring you back to the present moment. You don't want miss the gifts right in front of you because you are always looking beyond what is in the present moment to what once was or what might be. If you are thankful for what is, you'll be happy to be in the moment instead of somewhere else.

sometimes I wonder why I read the news.

Here are 2 top stories that really blew my mind:

Man accused of selling child for beer
GREENFIELD, Calif. (AP) - Police have arrested a Greenfield man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat.

Virginity auction hits$3.7 million
SAN DIEGO - Natalie Dylan, probably not her real name, is like many young women who are trying to find a way to pay off college. Dylan though is not like many young women in that she is trying to wipe out her college debt (and more) by auctioning off her virginity.

okay. back to work now.

I don't find it funny

that I am so sore I can barely carry my purse.

holy hell, my arms HURT!

Conversation with my 6 1/2 year old.

Hunter pops into the car yesterday after school & immediatly asks

H: Mom, can I have a cell phone?

Me: EXCUSE ME?

H: I want a cell phone.

Me: And just who are you going to call Hunter.

H: M (a little girl in his class) because she has a cell phone.

Me: WHAT?!?!?!?!???

H: She has a cell phone and I want to call her.

Me: Use our home phone or my cell phone.

H: But I want a cell phone like her.

Me: HUNTER MICHAEL PEARSON YOU WILL NOT HAVE A CELL PHONE UNTIL YOU ARE 10! 10 sounded like a good number and it was the 1st one to pop into my head. Even that sounds too young.

H: Mom, your such a bore. By the way, M gave everyone her cell number to call her.

Me: Hunter, stay young as long as you can. 7 year olds don't need cell phones.

It's when.............

......you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

......you start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

......you start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

......your opinions have gotten stronger. suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable andwhat isn't.

......one minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

......you laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.

......you feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you tryand cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

......you get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. And cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

......you go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

......you worry about money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Maybe this will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion.

My life.

My life oscillates between extreme order and random chaos

I'm trying to decide which state I'm in right now.

2009.

Wow. It's here. And it holds a lot in store.

It dawned on me New Year's Day that Jayden will be 5. Jayden, my baby. 5 years old.

I just don't know if I'm ready for that.

Surgery is looming its head around the corner but wait........maybe I do want another baby.

SHOOT ME NOW!

I am going to be 30 this year. 30. I don't need another baby.

If 30 is going to be anything as bad as 25, HELP ME NOW!

Maybe that's where the baby comes in.

I had 2 by the time I was 25!

That seems like eons ago.

as far as New Year's Resolutions, I've decided to de-clutter & simplify my life.

Sounds easy enough. No one needs so much extra crap.

Just don't touch my shoes.