Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Aftermath.

It’s been an exhausting week. Dealing with what could or would have been with Ike and the storm within my family has really worn me down.

It all started with an email from my sister, in which I’ll hit the high points for you:

“I am not wanting my own sister and her family to be at my wedding.”

“All I have to say that if there is any drama, no matter if it is family not, we DO NOT want you there and WE WILL have you escorted out.”

“You know what though I am done!”

at this point, I tried to be a bigger person. I stepped up and asked my sister:

“Just maybe one day we will be able to sit and talk like adults about all of this. There seems to be so much miss-communication and the air needs to be cleared.

Us not being at your wedding is what you really want?”

In which she replied:

“what part of i'm done with you, do you not understand? And what part of we DO NOT want you at our wedding do you not understand? You've done this to yourself. Deal with it and live with it. I don't want to see you. I don't want to even speak with you. I don't ever want to have contact with you again.

your right, I never wanted you to be part of my wedding. I don't even want you in my life anymore. Get it, I'm done.”

Now..............trying to describe how I felt at that moment is so hard to do......

Once a word is spoken it cannot be taken back. And that is why it is so very important to make sure what comes out of the mouth truly reflects what is in the heart. Unfortunately . . . those words can never be taken back. They did sink deep inside of me and leave scars that will not be quick to heal.

So much as been said to me that I just can't sit here and allow my family to fall apart. I have to make an effort. I have to do the right thing. Now isn't the time to make a point. I was being stupid. I had to be the bigger person. I wasn't trying hard enough. Did I realize how much I was hurting people? I was making a mistake by not attending and I wasn't going to make anything better.

Well, I really didn't have a decision since I was told, by her, not to attend. And therefore, there really wasn't a point to make. Not once this whole week did she make it a point to tell me I was welcome and that she did want us there. Yes, I may not have tried as hard as I would have liked to or should have, but this was my sister's decision and I can't and should not take responsibility for that. Did anyone realize how hurt I was? And who was the situation going to get worst for?
Is that letting my family down? But what does everyone define as "my family"?

You see, after getting an email like that, I was down. I would care to say, yes, I was depressed. Yes, I had anxiety as to what was happening to my sister and I. But what it was doing to me and therefore what I was passing on to MY children and MY family, wasn't fair.

It all hit me like a brick wall on Thursday night. Things were stressful enough with Ike and what it was or wasn't going to do to La Grange. I had to take Hunter to the doctor since he wasn't feeling well. I was down. I was having a hard time. And that got brought upon my kids. My anxiety was at a high. I was snappy, on edge, and upset. As I put Hunter into bed, he just lost it. He cried and cried and cried. He didn't understand why mommy was so upset. He didn't want me to be upset. I spent a good 30 minutes holding him and telling him how much I loved him and how sorry I was. To see how much my 6 year old was hurting, hit me hard. This only was not effecting me, but it was hurting my kids. And that hurt me more than anything.

I literally felt beaten down. And throughout my life this has happened. And I have to think to myself, how much more can I be beaten down?

How many more times can I allow this to happen? Right now my first priority in life is my children. They can't keep having a mother who can't keep together. They can't have a mother who's constantly sad and down.

Will I one day regret this decision? Right now, I have to do what's best for me & my family. I do not and will not regret that. Going into that situation, how was I going to be treated? Was I going to be beaten down even more? Again? I don't know. And that was a chance I wasn't willing to take for everyone's sanity. I would regret if that happened.

I know in my heart right now, I can't be constantly upset & unavailable for my kids and I can't put them in that situation. Their lives can't be shattered by a mom that's constantly depressed and full of anxiety. No one should want that.

I can sleep at night knowing I did ask my sister if she wanted us there. It was her decision for us not to be there. Her words will forever echo no matter even if are ever taken back. A broken heart caused by hurtful words, may never be right. Time may heal the physical pain but the memory of words can last forever. The emotional scars caused by the words will take time to heal, if ever.

Everyone else can show concern we are not there, but they can't tell me it's wrong not to show up. They can wish the situation was different, but they can't change it. They can put blame on me, but I can't understand why? Why is all the anger & frustration pointed at me?

For me, this wasn't a mistake. For me, I wasn't making anything worse. Because for me, I finally felt better.

I have finally found the courage to rise above the anger. The frustration. The blame. The would have. The could have. I've risen to say I'm not going to be beaten down anymore. I shouldn't have to ask anyone to respect that. But things should have never gotten this bad...........

I wish I knew what was going to change everything, but I don't. And I pray it will change.

someone once can forget what someone has said, you can forget what they did, but you never forget how they made you feel.

as the old prayer goes:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

oh...............and as for Ike, he didn't even come near us! Not a drop of rain. But I do ask that you keep in your thoughts and prayers all the family & friends we do have in Houston and the surrounding areas.

and thanks for these words of wisdom.
Acceptance is a state of non-reactivity and understanding. Acceptance does not mean 'approval' or that you condone what you are accepting. It means that you see something and know it for what it is, without having to need to change it.

The Quality of Acceptance

Acceptance is the widening of our vision so we have the ability to see more of the world without distortion or misinterpretation. Acceptance means that you see something and know it for what it is, without having the need to change it. Acceptance does not mean 'approval', or that you condone what you see, only that you see the whole picture. With Acceptance, we can more easily experience balance, forgiveness, and harmony.

These are the core aspects of Acceptance:
Seeing the world more clearly
Being more forgiving
Being merciful
Radiating Love in harmony with others and the forces of Life
Being responsible for my own life and not being a victim

And a Prayer ..........

God of My Heart, help me to see and to know things for what they are, both inside me and outside of me. Help me to allow things to be as they are, even when I wish them to be different. Help me to experience the importance of Acceptance: that things as they are hold many gifts, and that if my eyes and heart are open I can learn from what things and people teach me. Help me to remember that to be in the state of Acceptance means that I can truly move through the world knowing what I can and cannot change.

God of My Heart, help me to see with Acceptance today. Help me to see people for who they are, to see and accept the lightness and darkness of their souls. Help me not to judge others, and to understand in my acceptance what I must do to support what is healthy and to avoid what is not. Help me to use the same gift for myself, and to see myself without judgment but with complete Acceptance.

God of My Heart, help me to listen with Acceptance today. Help me to hear what people are saying, and what the true meanings behind their words are, without judgment or fear. Help me to know what I must do when I accept others’ words in consciousness and awareness.

God of My Heart, help me to experience Acceptance for one person today. Help me to see and to know one person I come across whom I may have judged, or sought to avoid, or sought to limit in my own fears, worries, and concerns. Help me to see this one person with fresh eyes, fresh ears, and an open heart. Where there is light in that person, help me to see and to know it. Where this darkness, help me to see and to avoid supporting it. And where there is a path they are trying to travel, help me to accept any role I can play to help them on their way. Amen